My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Randomize
