i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Randomize
