In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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