While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
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