happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
