i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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