On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Is Jonathan Taylor Thomas a gay? I need you to google search it for me. Its important
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
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