i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
