god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Randomize
