I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
