were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
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