so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
Randomize
