and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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