I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
I suggest both. Please have sex with them and prepare notes for a final comparison.
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
Randomize
