i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Randomize
