Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
My ATM looks so different sober.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical�
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
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