I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Randomize
