I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Randomize
