So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Randomize
