I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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