and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
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