he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Randomize
