Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Drunk is not a location!
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
But we have bathrooms and they dont
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Randomize
