JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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