Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
This toilet bowl is my home.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
