I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
foreskin is a definite game changer
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Randomize
