im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
