Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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