I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
Randomize
