I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
Randomize
