I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
My vagina is officially offended.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
