i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Randomize
