i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
Randomize
