Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
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