I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow
so basically your not goin out tonight?
who said that?
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Randomize
