If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
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