Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
