I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
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