i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Her cum face looks like the large marge scene in pee-wees big adventure
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
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