she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
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