What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
