so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
