So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
Randomize
