By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
