Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
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