Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
