I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Randomize
