Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
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