I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
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