then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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