Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
